TED JESSOP DISCUSSES…
INTERNET ADDICTIONS
SYNOPSIS “Ted Jessop Discusses…” is a television show hosted by Ted Jessop that covers current social issues. This week the topic is ‘Internet Addictions’, which Ted and his three internet addicted guests will openly discuss.
CHARACTERS
Ted Jessop
Television Host
Colin Appleby
Has an addiction to Twitter that is so extreme
that he can now only talk in tweets
Helen Backle
Is addicted to taking selfies
Lisa Cowen
Is currently the third highest ranked
Pokemon Go player in the world
Please contact Dan Gillgren via email at
d.gillgren@gmail.com for permission to perform
this play.
TED IS SEATED IN HIS CHAIR, AND HIS THREE GUESTS ARE SEATED OPPOSITE.
TED: Good evening, I’m Ted Jessop, and thank you for tuning into ‘Ted Jessop Discusses’ once again. This evening, we explore the dark world of Internet Addictions and the impact they have not just on individuals, but on society as a whole. In the studio with us this evening, we have Colin Appleby, a man whose addiction to twitter is so extreme, he now only talks in tweets. Good evening Colin.
COLIN: Good evening.
TED: Next to Colin we have Lisa Cowen. Lisa is the third highest ranked player of a game called Pokemon Go in the world. Good evening Lisa.
LISA: Hello.
TED: Hello. And finally we have Helen Backle, a woman who is addicted to taking selfies.
HELEN: Hi.
TED: Good evening Helen, and welcome to the show. Colin, perhaps we will start with you. So tell us, when did you first realize your twitter addiction was a problem?
COLIN: TBH Ted, IDK LOL
TED: Ah, Sorry?
HELEN: TBH means ‘To be honest’, IDK is ‘I don’t know’, and LOL means to ‘laugh out loud’.
COLIN: TY
HELEN: You’re welcome.
LISA PULLS OUT PHONE FROM POCKET, AND STARTS TO PLAY POKEMON GO.
TED: Ahhhhhhh, LOL?
COLIN: That’s right, LOL!
HELEN: It means to ‘Laugh Out Loud’.
TED: Yes thank you Helen, I did hear you the first time. But Colin, why don’t you simply laugh like everyone else?
COLIN: BC ‘LOL’ is easier and faster than actually laughing out loud.
TED: BC?
HELEN: Because.
TED: Oh, ah, right. Where was I? Oh yes! Surely it’s straight-forward isn’t it Colin? I mean, most people open up their mouths and go “Ha ha ha”.
COLIN: LOL is easier!
TED: Okay, so if I were to tell a joke, such as… Did you hear about the chap whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
COLIN: LOL
ALL OTHER GUESTS LAUGH NORMALLY
TED: Hmmmm, how about… A farmer walked into his field full of cows, and counted 196 of them. But when he rounded them up he had 200.
COLIN: LOL
ALL OTHER GUESTS LAUGH AGAIN NORMALLY
TED: Okay, let’s try this one. A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I’ve just won the lottery! Pack your bags!" The wife says, "Great! Where are we going?" He says, "I’m not going anywhere!".
COLIN: LOL
ALL OTHER GUESTS LAUGH NORMALLY ONCE AGAIN
TED: Well that is quite a sense of humour you have there.
TED LAUGHS AT HIS OWN JOKE. EVERYONE ELSE STARES AT HIM.
TED: Sooooo Colin, I imagine it must make things difficult, talking in tweets.
COLIN: Not really Ted. It's no problem at all really as long as I keep my sentences shorter than 140 characters. Otherwise my sentences tend to…
TED: Tend to…?
COLIN: Not make any sense.
TED: Indeed.
COLIN: The thing is Ted, limiting ones sentences to only 140 characters can have its advantages. For example, no one has ever asked me to speak at…
TED: At…?
COLIN: Weddings or funerals.
TED: I see. So you could say, you give them the silent tweetment.
TED LAUGHS AT HIS OWN JOKE WHILE EVERYONE ELSE GLARES AT HIM
TED: Right, well, Lisa, good evening.
LISA IS CAUGHT UP IN WHAT SHE IS DOING ON THE PHONE.
TED: Lisa?
HELEN NUDGES LISA
COLIN: LOL
LISA: Mmmmmm? What?
TED: I said good evening Lisa.
LISA: Hi.
LISA TURNS HER ATTENTION BACK TO THE SCREEN
TED: So Lisa, you are currently the third highest ranked player in the world for something called Pokemon Go.
LISA: Yeah.
TED: Perhaps you could explain to the viewers out there exactly what a ‘Pokemon Go’ is.
LISA MOMENTARILY TAKES HER EYES OFF THE SCREEN AND GLARES AT TED
LISA: It’s a game.
TED: We know it’s a… we know it’s a game, but can you explain to our audience what it is?
LISA PUTS HER HEAD BACK DOWN AND STARES AT THE SCREEN AGAIN
HELEN: Oh I’ve heard of it! It’s that game where you catch something when you flick the balls, isn’t it?
COLIN: LOL
LISA GLARES AT HELEN FOR A SECOND BEFORE FOCUSING BACK ON THE SCREEN
HELEN: Yeah, my nephews got it. He sits around the house for hours flicking his…
TED: THAT sounds very interesting Helen. Is there anything else you can tell us about the game? Something different perhaps?
HELEN: Not really. It’s just a game that you play on your phone to catch a tiny little pokemon thing, that’s all.
LISA LOOKS UP FROM THE SCREEN AGAIN AND GLARES AT HELEN
LISA: It’s bigger on the inside.
TED: Oh my god it talks!
COLIN: OMG LOL
TED: What?
LISA SCREAMS
LISA: Oh my god! There’s a Magnemite!
TED: A what?
LISA: A Magnemite, you idiot! They are so incredibly rare!
TED: Where?
LISA: Over there!
TED: I can’t see…
LISA: Oh my god I can’t believe it!
LISA WALKS OFF STAGE MUTTERING TO HERSELF
TED: Well, there you go!
HELEN: My nephews got three of them.
TED: Helen, well, perhaps you can tell us about your addiction to taking selfies.
HELEN: May I…
GESTURES TO TAKE A SELFIE WITH TED
TED: Ahhhh…
HELEN: Thanks!
TED: So, exactly how long have you been addicted to taking selfies?
HELEN: I wouldn’t really call it an addiction, Ted. It’s just that I am constantly looking for that one perfect shot. I just can’t help myself. Do you know what I am talking about?
TED: Well I…
HELEN: You see, when people see your profile on social media, it’s not just a picture, it’s a reflection of your own true self. I just want people to see me as perfect as possible.
GETS UP AND STARTS TO GO INTO THE AUDIENCE TO TAKE A SELFIE
TED: Sorry, where are you…
HELEN: Oh sorry, I just spotted something. Keep talking, I’ll be right back.
COLIN: AKA BRB.
TED: So roughly how many selfies per day do you take?
HELEN: Sorry?
TED: I said roughly how many selfies per day do you take?
HELEN: Only about 200.
TED: 200?
HELEN: That’s on a quiet day.
TED: What sort of impact has this addiction had on your everyday life?
HELEN: None really, I lead a normal life like everyone else.
TED: To be honest Helen, you don’t see everyone else out in the TV Studio audience taking selfies, do you.
HELEN LOOKS AROUND AND REALIZES SHE HAS GONE A LITTLE OVERBOARD, AND STARTS HEADING BACK TO HER CHAIR WHILE LOOKING AT THE PHOTOS SHE TOOK ON THE PHONE.
HELEN: No, I suppose you’re right. But OMG! You’ve got to see this shot Ted! Look how amazing I look!
SHOWS THE PHOTOS TO TED
HELEN: He looks crap! Sorry love, no offence, but you do! But look at me, I look amazing!
TED: Sorry.
HELEN: What are you saying sorry to him for? He does look crap! I look amazing don’t you think?
TED: Terribly sorry.
COLIN: LOL
HELEN PUTS THE PHONE RIGHT UP TO TED’S FACE
HELEN: I look amazing, don’t I?!
TED: Helen, I think that we…
LISA ENTERS RUNNING ACROSS THE STAGE AND EXITS
LISA: Come back here! Stay still!
HELEN GRABS TED SHIRT
HELEN: Tell me, I look amazing!
COLIN: LOL
TED: Helen, you’re hurting…
LISA SCREAMS LOUDLY FROM OFFSTAGE
HELEN: Look, just tell me…
LISA ENTERS AND RUNS BACK ACROSS THE STAGE AND EXITS
LISA: Magnemite!!!
COLIN: LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL…
COLIN IS IN FITS OF LOLS
HELEN: Listen, if you don’t tell me that this selfie looks amazing…
TED: It looks okay!
HELEN: Okay?! OKAY?!
TED: I…
HELEN: Well maybe this one will look better?
HELEN TAKES A SELFIE
TED: Hel…
HELEN: Well how about this one?
TED: I…
HELEN: Or this one?! Or this one?! Or this one?! Or this one?! Or this one?!
COLIN CONTINUES TO LOL LOUDLY AS LISA ENTERS THE STAGE CREEPING TOWARDS TED AND HELEN, AS HELEN CONTINUES SCREAMING AND TAKING SELFIES UNTIL TED COMPLETES HIS LAST LINE
TED: Help, please someone!
LISA LETS OUT A SCREAM DIRECTLY BEHIND TED AND HELEN AND CONTINUES CELEBRATING LOUDLY UNTIL TED COMPLETES HIS LAST LINE
LISA: Yes, I got him!
COLIN STANDS UP AND DELIBERATELY LAYS ON THE FLOOR
COLIN: ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL…
COLIN CONTINUES TO ROFL LOUDLY UNTIL TED COMPLETES HIS LAST LINE
LISA: I caught you! I caught you! Yes!
TED: Well I think that about wraps things up. Join us again next week where we will discuss Tax and Religion, and whether that means God lives in the Bahamas. Thank you, and goodnight.