THE YOUNG ONES
SYNOPSIS Mabel,72, has been madly in love with Cliff Richard for 55 years, ever since he released the song “The Young Ones” in 1962. They are “meant to be” and nothing will get in the way of them being together. Not even her sister Alice!
CHARACTERS
Mabel
Madly in love with Cliff Richard
Approximately 75 years old.
Preferably played by a male actor
Alice
Despises Cliff Richard
Approximately 78 years old
Preferably played by a male actor
Foley #1
Foley Actor
Any age
Played by a male actor
Foley #2
Foley Actor
Any age
Please contact Dan Gillgren via email at
d.gillgren@gmail.com for permission to perform
this play.
LIGHTS UP. “THE YOUNG ONES” PLAYS ON THE RADIO. MABEL IS IN THE KITCHEN COOKING. HER BACK IS TO THE AUDIENCE AS SHE STIRS A POT ON THE STOVE. SHE MOVES TO THE MUSIC, SLOWLY AT FIRST, AND GETS MORE EXAGGERATED AS THE SONG PROGRESSES. SHE MAY EVEN SING ALONG AT TIMES. SHE ADDS A LITTLE WINE TO THE POT THEN DRINKS SOME FROM THE BOTTLE. HER MOVEMENT AND SINGING GET SILLIER AS SHE COOKS AND CONTINUES TO DRINK AND ADD WINE. JUST BEFORE THE SONG ENDS, SHE ADDS A LIBERAL AMOUNT OF POISON TO POT. MABEL SITS AT TABLE TO READ A LETTER SHE HAS WRITTEN TO CLIFF RICHARD.
MABEL: Cliff! Oh Cliff!
Sometimes I wonder if
I’ll forever be with
You, Cliff!
My sister has bloody tried
To stop our knot from being tied
But I will finally be your bride
Oh Cliff…
MABEL WRITES THE FINAL FEW LINES
MABEL: When Alice has horribly died!
Yours sincerely
Mabel
MABEL STANDS UP AND PICKS UP THE LETTER SHE HAS JUST FINISHED WRITING, TO REVEAL IT IS ON THE BACK OF AN A4 SIZED ‘SEXY’ PHOTO OF HERSELF. SHE KISSES THE PHOTO, THINKS FOR A SECOND BEFORE PULLING OUT A BOTTLE OF PERFUME. SHE SPRAYS THE PERFUME LIBERALLY ALL OVER THE PHOTO BEFORE PUTTING IT IN AN ENVELOPE AND PUTS BACK ON THE TABLE. SHE THEN TURNS TO KEEP COOKING. ALICE ENTERS, HER ARMS FULL OF SCHOOL BAGS. ALICE IS CARRYING SO MANY BAGS SHE CAN NOT SEE WHERE SHE IS GOING, AND FEELS AROUND FOR THE TABLE WITH HER FEET. MABEL SIMPLY WATCHES UNTIL ALICE FINALLY FINDS THE TABLE AND PUTS THE BAGS DOWN.
MABEL: Where have you been?
ALICE: Mugging the kids down at the bus station again.
MABEL: Well, you took your time.
ALICE: There were loads and loads of kids today.
ALICE STARTS TO GO THROUGH THE CONTENTS OF THE SCHOOL BAGS
MABEL: But you have been gone all day!
ALICE: Oh, yeah, sorry about that ahhhh…
ALICE STRUGGLES TO REMEMBER MABEL’S NAME
ALICE: Mabel, but I didn’t realize how long it would take to mug that many kids.
MABEL: You’ve been drinking again, haven’t you?
ALICE: Mugging is very very very very very very very very very very very very very thirsty work!
MABEL SMELLS ALICE’S BREATH BY FORCING ALICE’S MOUTH OPEN
MABEL: You’re drunk again!
ALICE: Just a tiny bit. Anyway, it wasn’t particularly entirely all my fault.
MABEL: Oh right, so whose fault was it then?
ALICE: Harry’s.
ALICE LETS OUT A LOUD BELCH [F#1]
MABEL: You know, I find it rather peculiar that I have never met this so called boyfriend of yours. For all I know, Harry probably doesn’t even exist.
ALICE: Well, my dear Mabel, if this afternoon is anything to go by he exists alright, don’t you worry about that. In fact, things have been getting particularly raunchy lately. Harry is now calling me his ‘Devil Woman’!
MABEL: Well I would sure like to meet this so called boyfriend of yours one day.
ALICE: All in good time. I just haven’t had a chance to introduce you, that’s all.
MABEL: Haven’t had a chance? You’ve been seeing him for the past ten years!
ALICE: Ah ha! Treasure!
MABEL: What is it?
ALICE: It’s another one of these things.
ALICE PULLS OUT A FIDGET SPINNER FROM ONE OF THE BAGS
MABEL: What do you suppose they are?
ALICE SPINS THE FIDGET SPINNER NEAR HER NIPPLES [F#1]
ALICE: I don’t know, but they sure do feel good.
MABEL: Well, while you’ve been out, I’ve been busy slaving over a hot stove, again! Honestly, I don’t even know why I bother sometimes. You don’t even listen to me most of the time.
ALICE: Ahhhh sorry, what did you say?
MABEL: I said, clear the table you deaf old bat! Dinner is ready.
ALICE: Okie Dokie.
ALICE VIOLENTLY CLEARS THE TABLE OF BAGS AND OTHER ITEMS, AND FINDS MABEL’S ENVELOPE TO CLIFF RICHARD ON THE TABLE [F#1]
ALICE: What’s this? “To my darling Cliff Richard”
MABEL: Give that to me!
ALICE OPENS THE ENVELOPE AND STARTS CHOKING
ALICE: Blimey! There’s enough perfume on this to cover up the stench of Kim Kardashian.
MABEL: I said give that to me!
MABEL SQUEEZES ALICE’S NIPPLES [F#1]. ALICE RETALIATES BY POKING HER IN THE EYES [F#1], AND THEN READS THE LETTER MOCKINGLY.
ALICE: Cliff! Oh Cliff!
Sometimes I wonder if
I’ll forever be with
You, Cliff!
What a load of cobblers! Cliff Richard is a child molester. I don’t think you’re his age Mabel.
MABEL: Cliff Richard is a man of honour and integrity. Anyway, if he was a child molester, why was Princess Diana friends with him then? Answer that smarty pants!
ALICE: Perhaps she fancied the thought of him being with her children.
MABEL: How dare you speak about British Royalty like that!
ALICE: The British ‘Royalty’ have been practising perverse sexual activities for generations. You only have to take one look at Charles to figure that out. No wonder Diana fancied Cliff Richard.
MABEL: That’s not true!
ALICE: Listen, Cliff Richard is nothing but a washed up D grade singer that has absolutely no interest in making love to anyone over the age of 12. You don’t want someone like that in your life Mabel.
ALICE TEARS UP MABEL’S LETTER. MABEL BECOMES UPSET AND STARTS TO CRY A LITTLE.
MABEL: You’re just jealous of Cliff! We are meant to be. I have known that from the moment we locked eyes at the concert in ‘59. I love him, and you’re just jealous!
ALICE: Jealous? Me?! I’ve got Harry! Why would I be jealous of Cliff bloody Richard?
MABEL: You are jealous. You don’t want me to be with him. You’re always getting in the way. But I will be with him one day soon. You mark my words.
MABEL SERVES UP DINNER FOR ALICE.
ALICE: You’re a crazy old fool Mabel. Cliff Richard would never ever ever ever ever ever ever want to be with someone like you. You’re far too old and crusty.
MABEL: Dinner is ready.
ALICE: What are we having?
MABEL: Risotto.
ALICE: Oh no! Not risotto again!
MABEL: I had to, didn’t I?! You spent all our grocery money on a horse. We only have rice and wine in the cupboard no thanks to you.
ALICE: ‘Wiggins Nag’ was meant to be a dead cert! It’s not my fault it got excited and started shagging one of the racing stewards.
MABEL ADDS EXTRA POISON TO THE RISOTTO AND PUTS THE PLATE ON THE TABLE.
MABEL: Bon Apetite.
ALICE: Aren’t you eating?
MABEL: Oh, I’m not hungry. You go ahead. I’ve made this one especially for you!
ALICE: Oh, alright, that’s nice of you.
ALICE SITS AT THE TABLE AND PICKS UP FORK, BUT NEVER ACTUALLY EATS ANY RISOTTO.
ALICE: You know, I’ve been thinking…
MABEL: That’s dangerous.
ALICE: We haven’t been on a holiday for quite some time now. How about I take my favourite little sister away somewhere special. That sounds nice doesn’t it?
ALICE ALMOST EATS RISOTTO AGAIN.
MABEL: How?! We haven’t got any money. You’ve blown it all on horses, booze and your invisible friend Harry.
ALICE: Ah, well…
MABEL: I’ve been taking out the sultanas in our Sultana Bran and swapping them with rat droppings, just to make our groceries stretch.
ALICE: But Mabel…
MABEL: We’re so broke, I’ve been eating tissues to add fibre to my diet. In fact, I’ve been eating so much tissue lately, I don’t even need to wipe anymore.
ALICE: Let me explain…
MABEL: I can’t even begin to explain where the custard we ate for dessert last night actually came from.
ALICE: But Mabel…
MABEL: I can only…
ALICE: Shut up, you stupid old duck! We’re not broke! Harry has been giving me money for the past 10 years, and I’ve been stashing it away.
MABEL: What?!
ALICE: Yip, we’re filthy rich!
MABEL: Where is it?
ALICE: Well I can’t tell you that, it’s a secret!
ALICE GETS INCREDIBLY CLOSE TO EATING THE RISOTTO.
MABEL: Wait! Don’t eat the risotto!
ALICE: Why not?
MABEL: Because it’s got poison in it.
ALICE: I beg your pardon?
MABEL: The risotto has poison in it.
ALICE: Why does the risotto have poison in it?
MABEL: Alright, I did it! I put it in there because you’re always putting down my beloved Cliff Richard. All I hear from you is Cliff is bad, Cliff is no good, Cliff is a paedophile, or Cliff is an alcoholic. You’re always getting in the way of Cliff and I being together, and after 50 years, I couldn’t take it anymore.
ALICE: I didn’t want it to come to this Mabel, but there is something I have been meaning to tell you, for the past 10 years.
MABEL: What?
ALICE: My Harry… well, his surname is Webb. Yes, Harry Webb IS Cliff Richard.
MABEL: What?!
ALICE: I’m sorry Mabel, but I have been dating Cliff Richard behind your back for the past 10 years.
MABEL: I don’t believe it!
ALICE: I didn’t want to upset you Mabel. I know how much you love Cliff Richard. But I was hoping you would die first so I wouldn’t have to tell you.
MABEL: It’s not true!
ALICE: Okay then…
MABEL PULLS OUT HER PHONE
ALICE: This was Harry aka Cliff Richard earlier today at the pub. He’s got a rather long tongue hasn’t he? And here’s a picture of us dancing last Tuesday night.
MABEL: But you said you were at Bingo…
ALICE: And here’s a really raunchy one. No wonder he calls me his “Devil Woman”!
MABEL: So it’s all true? You really have been dating Cliff Richard for the past 10 years?
ALICE: Yip!
MABEL: Right, well, I guess there is really only one thing left to say.
ALICE: What’s that?
MABEL: You Bitch!
MABEL GRABS THE FRYPAN AND WHACKS ALICE OVER THE HEAD. ALICE STUMBLES BACK. ALICE STRIKES HER AGAIN 3 TIMES RATHER QUICKLY. FIGHTING CONTINUES BACK AND FORTH USING A RANGE OF KITCHEN UTENSILS.
FINALLY WHEN MABEL HITS ALICE OVER THE HEAD WITH A ROLLING PIN, FOLEY #1 PLAYS A TRIANGLE, WHICH IS AN INCORRECT SOUND. MABEL HITS ALICE AGAIN AND TRIANGLE SOUND IS PLAYED AGAIN. MABEL HITS ALICE AGAIN, AND TRIANGLE PLAYS AGAIN.
MABEL: Excuse me one tiny little moment Alice…
MABEL GOES OVER TO FOLEY #1
MABEL: That’s the wrong bloody sound. Does that sound like being hit over the head with a rolling pin?
FOLEY #1: Well it says ‘triangle’ in my notes.
MABEL: That’s because your notes are wrong. Getting hit over the head with a rolling pin doesn’t sound like a…
MABEL HITS THE TRIANGLE.
MABEL: …does it?! It’s more like a…
MABEL HITS ROLLING PIN OVER THE HEAD OF FOLEY #1, AND THE SOUND OF A ROLLING PIN BEING HIT IS MADE BY FOLEY #2 IN THE WINGS.
FOLEY #1: Owwww
MABEL HITS THE TRIANGLE
MABEL: Wrong…
MABEL HITS FOLEY #1 AGAIN WITH ROLLING PIN
FOLEY #1: Owwww! Jesus!
MABEL: Right. Got that?
FOLEY #1: That wasn’t even in the script…
MABEL GRABS NUTCRACKERS OFF THE KITCHEN TABLE AND CRACKS FOLEY #1 NUTS. FOLEY #2 MAKES CLACKER SOUND FROM OFFSTAGE.
MABEL: Neither was that! Right, where were we? Oh yeah…
MABEL WALKS BACK OVER TO ALICE, PICKS UP ROLLING PIN AND LIFTS READY TO STRIKE, WHILE HOLDING ALICE’S SHOULDER.
MABEL: Right. Ready?
ALICE: Yip!
MABEL: Ready, sound man?
FOLEY #1 RESPONDS IN A SQUEEKY VOICE.
FOLEY #1: Yes!
MABEL HITS ALICE OVER THE HEAD WITH THE ROLLING PIN.
MABEL: Take that! And that! And that!
ON THE FINAL HIT, ALICE FALLS DOWN ONTO A MAT ON THE FLOOR. MABEL GRABS ALICE’S PLATE OF RISOTTO OFF THE TABLE AND SHOVES HANDFULS DOWN HER THROAT.
MABEL: Die!
ALICE: Alice, please…
MABEL: Die! Die! Die!
MABEL STANDS UP, ALICE SITS UP, CLUTCHES AT HER THROAT AND DIES DRAMATICALLY. JUST AS ALICE DIES, ALICE’S PHONE RINGS. MABEL ANSWERS.
MABEL: Hello? Who? Richard who? Sir Richard? Branson? Oh… Sir Cliff Richard!
MABEL FREEZES AS SHE REALIZES SHE IS TALKING TO CLIFF RICHARD.
MABEL: Oh no, she isn’t. I hate to be the one to tell you, but she ran off with Mick Jagger this afternoon. Yes, she is. I’m Mabel, her sister. Her younger, prettier sister. Yes, and sexier. Yes, I do have a sexy voice, don’t I?! You’ve got a sexy voice too. I just loved your performance in ‘The Young Ones’ movie. You’re welcome. What am I doing now? Nothing, nothing at all. I’d love to! Sure! Meet you there in an hour? Great. Seen you then. Bye.
MABEL HANGS UP, AND CLUTCHES PHONE TO HER CHEST AND LETS OUT A LARGE SIGH. ALICE AWAKENS JUST AS MABEL HANGS UP PHONE, AND GETS TO HER FEET UNSTEADILY. ALICE GIVES MABEL ONE MIGHTY BANG OVER THE HEAD WITH THE FRYPAN JUST AS MABEL FINISHES HER SIGH. ALICE THEN STUMBLES OVER TO THE STOVE AND TAKES OFF THE POT OF RISOTTO, AND FORCES HANDFULS OF RISOTTO DOWN MABEL’S THROAT BEFORE TIPPING THE LAST CONTENTS OF THE RISOTTO OVER MABEL’S FACE.
ALICE: If I die, you’re coming with me, you old bag!
ALICE DIES DRAMATICALLY ONCE AGAIN, AS DOES MABEL. LIGHTS FADE AND CURTAINS CLOSE TO ‘SUMMER HOLIDAY’ BY CLIFF RICHARD.